A Hip Hop Hideaway

Hello World!

It's been a strange couple of months and I'm not entirely sure were to start. 

A theme of "I need space" seemed to manifest itself to me across a number of relationships. The most pertinent and relevant individual requesting this was Willow. Add to that a sense of growing personal reservation (from having a roommate) in addition to a little existential crisis brought on by my solar return and the result was a period of withdrawn silence and reflection.  As a bonus, it didn't hurt that it was also the time leading up to the election and my retreat inward helped me stay as far away from that drama as possible. 

During this period of reflection, perhaps as a result of the circumstances leading to it, I sought to realign my energies and reconnect with myself. So much of my character and experiences have been in a role of caretaker with my energy wrapping around others... lassoing them to me. Their enegy tangling up with mine. I decided to embrace the challenge and break all but the most necessary external energetic bonds for a bit. Giving me a chance to tune into me and assess myself as an independent being.

That said, I have some correspondence to catch up on. Everything from responding to facebook birthday wishes, to writing my brother who, at the beginning of the year, I promised a long letter too. But first a general update here and then I will spiral my energy back out.

Ill start with Willow. They requested space when they began to withdraw from vaping. The withdrawl experience is horrendous and effects their mental wellbeing. When they broke off contact with us, it was after a they had made an "attempt" . They was spiralling into delusional thinking and madness. Literal madness. Like a seeing red and spewing steam kind of mad-ness. They knew it and knew that being in contact with us at that time would be detrimental to our connection. A month later another - almost sucsessful - "attempt" was made. This was after she had made it throught the worst of withdrawls and it didnt make sense. It was then that the medical team realized they was having a very bad reaction to the wellbutrin they put them on to help them with the withdrawl. They are on the otherside of it all now and we have all reestablished our connections. On top of it, there has been some excellent news. They were accepted into UVM and were awarded the deans scholarship which is $9000 granted for the next 6 semesters. On top of that it appears that this summer they are going to move into a much better apartment situation. One with an elevator to make things easier for someone with mobility issues. Despite the recent challenges.. the future is looking bright.

The roomie has relocated to arizona as she had intended. And what good timing. She left just as the temperature dropped into seasonable degrees. Brrr. I mentioned at the start of this post that she factored slightly into my withdrawl. Having a person on the periphery took its energetic toll. Because of the dogs not getting along, I could not just go out back to play with them. I had to make sure the other dog wasnt out first. Its a little thing but its impact was evident on my attention. Another way that having a roommate impacted me was just the knowledge that my actions were being observed and registered. In the mornings, I often lap the pool in an invigorating (and often chilly) power walk. This takes me right past her windows and door. And she once mentioned it to me in an offhanded way and I felt myself recoil at the observation. My behavior then shifted away from the activity.

Others might think that my offering the space to her was out of my being a good caring person. They would be a little wrong. I knew nothing about her other than my slightly negative first impression. After months of hearing her whining in the background about her living situation. My offer was selfish. I wanted peace at the office and didnt want to hear the complaining anymore. It worked. And as far as she went as a roomate? For the most part, we hardly knew she was there. For the most part, she only came into the house to shower. I think the fact that Greg and I had recently jumped on the wagon caused a bit of distance. She is a bit wild in that arena and, dispite not being too directly involved in her life, the whirlwind of her relationships and interactions was felt as an ongoing breeze. I set boundaries up front but i never considered she would draw in a "friend" who stayed over nightly. While she wasnt a lot to handle she definatly was a draw of energy. On her way out she asked if she could snow bird with us during the summer. Who the heck knows if we will even be here but we will see.

Connor is doing well. He had his first car "accident" the other day. He hit some debris from a wreck that happened in feont of him which slashed his tire. I got his location and together we learned where his jack was hidden. He is adding a minor in data forensics onto his degree work. Hes made the deans list each semester and he has really enjoyed his internship in cyber range. He had to sign an nda so he can only share so much. What he does share is a bit over my head already so that works for me. He is excelling at documentation and has earned some high praise for his ability to communicate clearly the processes he is analysing. He still is going to the gym regularly and now that the roomie has moved out he has been able to get back to practicing on the bar.

Gregs work is going well enough. He has been tasked to train his replacement ( who still has to be determined) and he is alsobeen awarded the honor of being the first site that the company will be rolling out SAP to. What a joy. He is emotionally overwhelmed with these anticipated changes. He was gone a few days at a meeting somewhere in new york state. He was acting in his bosses stead. He came home bringing a gift : illness. Whatever it was it kicked my butt for 2 ...maybe 3 weeks. Anyway, he is lingering on brink of change and disruption at the office. And its a bit stressful for him.

As for me... my schedule at work shifted a few times over this time as well. My Wednesday off every other week became a Friday off every other week so I could be on hand for the supervisor I support with my investigations. And then it shifted once more back to a normal 2 day weekend every week. Each of those shifts have thrown off my rhythm and stride. The underlying mood at the office also seems to finally be getting lighter. The air not quite so thick.

The time spent inward was productive. I come to realize that I like old school (style) hiphop. Ive been grooving to Jurassic 5, Atmosphere and whatever pandora throws my way. With all thats going on in the entertainment world Im thrilled to be reminded of what power that music has. It really needs to make a resurgence and backfill the void of corruption that developed when the lifestyle of the musician became more important than the message of the music. 💯% yo! Claiming a love of hip hop surprises even me. Going thrift shopping with Willow has expanded my wardrobe. So Ive been mixing up the look a little. Nothing extraordinary but Ive been attempting to match things better. A new item has been hanging round my neck... I finally found an instrument best suited to me! A jaw harp! And I finally found my dancing outlet. No its not formal... its anything but formal. Which works out just fine as the reality of such ridgid formality isnt as appealing as I had fantasized it to be when I was spiralling off recognizing the need for dance in general. Anyway more about that... My dj coworker invited me to the community dance party that happens weekly for a cheap donation. Each week a new dj/playlist player spins the tunes. Its a 5 rhythms group. And the music, while varied, follows a particular flow that incorporates different aspects of movement from light and free and whimsical to heavy pulsation to roll on the floor and steam roll your friends. Some might liken it to ecstatic dance. And some do trance. Its a very non judgemental space. Greg enjoys going with me. Connor.. its not so much his scene. And lastly (i have to end somewhere) the sensory deprivation tank experience stripped my hair terribly. I cut off 3 inches. It wasnt enough so I went in for a cut and a treatment. The stylist took off an additional 4 inches. Assuming hair offers us a record of time, this is the equivalent of cutting 4 to 5 years out of my hair. What a heavy period of time that was. Whats left you ask? Quite a bit really. The ends are about where Immerssion XP began.. Its nice to have let that weight go.

Following all this I am now reconnected with myself in a way I could not be without having pulled back my energy. And so I will begin to slowly redraw my connections with a deeper appreciation of who I am and paying more conscious attemtion to who and how I grant my energy and attention.

At this point in writing I popped over to youtube to play something in the background and the first thing that was offered was an alan watts passage that fit this post perfectly. So Im adding this here before moving on to the last of it. https://youtu.be/rXCd5iKW4Qo?si=HpdeA5LfYrVObL6U

I have taken some pictures of the seasons transistions and of my fancy dancy pants and of various household projects. Here is a little gallery of some of the things and then we call this post done.